The Great Squirrel Poop Conspiracy – Are Acorns Just a Cover?

By Genevieve Tuffbottom, Senior Poop Correspondent

For centuries, squirrels have been celebrated as nature’s fluffy-tailed gardeners, planting trees one acorn at a time. But in a shocking twist, an underground movement of self-proclaimed “poop truthers” has come forward with an explosive theory: squirrels are not, in fact, innocent acorn-buriers, but rather covert agents of a global poop distribution network. The group, Squirrel Poop Watch (SPW), claims that squirrels are intentionally defecating in carefully chosen locations to spread messages, control weather patterns, and possibly even manipulate the stock market.

Our investigative team set out to uncover the truth behind this nutty conspiracy. What we discovered will change the way you think about squirrels – and their droppings – forever.

A Pile of Evidence

It all started with an anonymous tip from a local park ranger in Fargo, North Dakota. “I’d noticed strange poop patterns for months,” whispered the ranger, who insisted on remaining nameless due to fear of squirrel retaliation. “The way those droppings were placed… It wasn’t random. It was like some sort of code.”

Indeed, upon closer inspection, the droppings did seem to form curious shapes. Triangles, spirals, and what some have interpreted as the logo for the fast-food chain Taco Bell. Could it be a coincidence? The SPW says no.

“We believe squirrels are leaving messages for each other,” stated Dr. Beatrice McScat, a leading expert in animal conspiracy theories, during an exclusive interview. “Their droppings aren’t just waste—they’re carefully calculated signals. It’s like a poop-based Morse code.”

Using cutting-edge technology (and a disturbingly large collection of magnifying glasses), SPW’s crack team has been mapping out squirrel poop formations across the country. So far, they've identified over 327 “poop glyphs,” which seem to align perfectly with the flight paths of major airlines, suggesting an international network of communication. Coincidence? Or something more sinister?

The Scent of a Cover-Up

Further fueling the conspiracy, several high-profile incidents have been linked to suspicious squirrel droppings. The infamous "Wall Street Nut Dump" of 2017, where traders were forced to evacuate after an army of squirrels descended on the New York Stock Exchange, leaving behind mysterious droppings that reportedly spelled out the word “SELL,” remains unsolved. The stock market did, in fact, experience a sharp drop that very day, causing some to wonder: could squirrels be controlling the financial system?

Experts in both finance and scatology are divided.

“There’s no hard evidence that squirrel poop affects stock prices,” said one skeptical analyst. “But then again, there’s no hard evidence against it, either.”

Meanwhile, the Department of Agriculture has remained suspiciously quiet on the subject. When pressed for answers, they released a statement saying, “Squirrels are small woodland creatures with no interest in human affairs. Any suggestion that they are involved in global economic sabotage is unfounded and, frankly, ridiculous.” Which, as any conspiracy theorist knows, is exactly what they would say.

Acorns – Innocent Seeds or Smelly Diversion?

Central to SPW’s claims is the idea that squirrels’ well-documented habit of burying acorns is just an elaborate ruse. “We’ve all been led to believe they’re hoarding food for winter,” said Gerald “Stinky” Von Stinkovich, chief researcher at the Squirrel Intelligence Bureau. “But what they’re really doing is distracting us from their real mission: strategic poop placement.”

According to Von Stinkovich, squirrels have perfected a system of burying acorns in high-traffic areas to mislead humans and cover up their secret defecation sites. “While we’re busy watching the squirrel, it’s sneakily pooping behind a bush, communicating with a network of other squirrels halfway across the continent.”

In a stunning revelation, Von Stinkovich unveiled his most groundbreaking theory: squirrels have been altering the chemical composition of their poop to influence local weather patterns. “I’ve seen it with my own eyes,” he said, eyes wide with intensity. “A squirrel pooped outside my window, and I kid you not, a thunderstorm rolled in ten minutes later.”

While meteorologists have yet to confirm this, it does raise an important question: have we underestimated the meteorological power of animal waste?

What’s Next for the Movement?

Squirrel Poop Watch isn’t stopping at awareness. The group has launched a petition to demand a congressional investigation into “poop-based conspiracies,” which has already gained over 12,000 signatures. Additionally, they’re organizing local workshops to teach the public how to decode squirrel droppings for themselves, offering courses in "Scatography 101" and "Advanced Poop Cryptography."

“We want people to be prepared,” said Dr. McScat. “The squirrel poop agenda is advancing, and if we don’t start paying attention, we could all be at the mercy of these furry masterminds.”

A Future in the Balance

As we wrap up our investigation, one thing is clear: squirrel poop is no longer something we can afford to ignore. Whether they’re controlling the weather, manipulating the stock market, or just playing an elaborate game of poo chess, these rodents have plans that go far beyond burying acorns. The next time you spot a squirrel innocently scampering across your lawn, ask yourself: what are they really up to? And more importantly… where are they pooping?

This is Genevieve Tuffbottom, signing off from the front lines of scatological intrigue. Stay vigilant, and remember: the truth is out there… probably under a tree.