Pigeon Corp Announces 10% Workforce Reduction Due to Rising Poop Crisis, Delays Delivery of New Nest Design
Skyline, New York — In a shocking announcement that has sent feathers flying, Pigeon Corp, the world’s leading supplier of rooftop droppings, announced that it will cut 10% of its workforce—roughly 17,000 pigeons—due to mounting losses from a crippling machinist strike and unprecedented poop production issues.
The strike, now entering its fifth week, has left Pigeon Corp’s factories idled, with thousands of pigeons perched on park benches, telephone wires, and ledges, refusing to produce more droppings until their demands are met. As a result, the much-anticipated launch of Pigeon Corp’s next-generation wide-body nest, the 777X Birdhouse, has been delayed yet again, now expected in 2026—a full six years behind schedule.
“Poopocalypse” Grounds Fleet
In a memo to the flock, CEO Kelly Feathersberg laid out the grim reality. “Our business is in a difficult position, and it is hard to overstate the challenges we face together,” she wrote. “We are facing a poopocalypse like we’ve never seen before. Our droppings are piling up faster than our cleaning crews can remove them, and flight tests for the new birdhouse were paused indefinitely after discovering structural damage caused by excess droppings.”
The most devastating incident occurred in August, when one of the new prototypes sustained major damage after 200 pigeons miscalculated their landing approach and, in a flurry of excitement, released more poop than the structure could handle. Engineers are now scrambling to redesign the nest’s surface material to be “poop-proof,” a process that could take years.
Delays and Droppings
This crisis comes just as Pigeon Corp’s poop deposits, once hailed as a natural fertilizer with endless potential, have been deemed “unmanageable.” The company was banking on the 777X Birdhouse to revolutionize rooftop nesting, offering ample room for multiple birds, a built-in perch gym, and an automated poop chute to streamline waste disposal. Unfortunately, none of that will be happening any time soon.
“We’re disappointed,” said Werner Beakman, head of Pigeon Corp’s Advanced Dropping Division. “But when your entire fleet is grounded in their own waste, there's not much you can do except hope for better wind.”
The International Association of Feathered Workers (IAFW) has expressed concern over the halt in production and job cuts. “Our pigeons have been working tirelessly, around the clock, to provide the world with a consistent supply of droppings,” said union leader Jon “The Claw” Holden. “But Pigeon Corp has failed to invest in better perches, more ergonomic nests, and, frankly, acceptable snack breaks.”
No Resolution in Sight
Tensions between Pigeon Corp and the IAFW reached a new high when the company filed an unfair labor practice charge against the union, accusing it of negotiating in bad faith. “They expect us to make unreasonable sacrifices,” squawked one pigeon from a precarious ledge in Times Square. “I’ve been pooping my heart out for these guys, and this is the thanks I get? No more. I’m holding it in until we get a fair deal.”
Meanwhile, credit rating agencies are circling like vultures, warning that Pigeon Corp is burning through cash—specifically, $1 billion a month, as pigeon employees refuse to drop a pellet until their demands are met. If this continues, the company's reputation as the top supplier of architectural staining across cities worldwide could be at risk.
CEO Feathersberg remains hopeful. “We are taking tough, strategic steps to ensure Pigeon Corp stays competitive. However, it’s clear that we must make structural changes—both to our nests and our labor practices—to keep dropping for our customers.”
Only time will tell whether Pigeon Corp can clean up this mess or if the droppings have hit the fan for good.
