Pigeon Poop Declared "Cure-All" by Fringe Scientists, City Dwellers Horrified
New York City, NY—In a bizarre twist to modern medicine, a group of fringe scientists from the newly established Institute for Excremental Innovation (IEI) have made a shocking claim: pigeon poop holds the key to curing every ailment known to humankind. The discovery, which they’ve dubbed “The Poo-lution Revolution,” has sparked a frenzy of debate, excitement, and disgust across the globe.
Dr. Felix Droppins, founder and self-proclaimed "fecal visionary" behind IEI, addressed a crowd of skeptical reporters in Times Square yesterday, standing in what he called “The Sacred Splash Zone,” an area underneath one of the city’s busiest pigeon perches. “For too long, mankind has ignored the potent, untapped potential of bird droppings,” Dr. Droppins declared, waving his arms dramatically as pigeons cooed ominously above. “What you see as a nuisance on your windshield or your favorite jacket is, in fact, nature’s miracle cure. It’s like the fountain of youth—except messier.”
According to Dr. Droppins, pigeon poop contains an unprecedented blend of minerals, bacteria, and cosmic energy, which he claims can cure everything from the common cold to male pattern baldness. His research, published in The Journal of Questionable Science, features testimonials from 3 out of 5 random people who were handed jars of pigeon poop outside subway stations. One glowing review came from a local resident who said, "I rubbed some on my knee, and now my knee is...well, it still hurts, but my shoes are shiny, so there's that."
Despite the lack of any actual scientific evidence, IEI has already begun marketing its signature product, PigeonPoo™ Healing Balm, which is being sold in artisanal jars at pop-up stands around the city for a mere $99.99. Each jar is labeled with a guarantee that it’s “harvested fresh daily from New York’s finest pigeons.”
“I started applying it to my face every morning,” said Linda Feathers, an enthusiastic early adopter, whose entire skincare routine now consists of bird excrement. “Sure, my neighbors have started avoiding me, but I’ve never felt more in tune with nature. Plus, my skin has this, like, glossy sheen.”
However, not everyone is thrilled about the so-called "pigeon poop craze." Local sanitation workers are reportedly furious, as their daily cleanup duties have quadrupled since Dr. Droppins' announcement. “We used to scrape this stuff off park benches—now people are scraping it into jars and mailing it to their relatives,” said Stan ‘The Mop’ McGibbons, head of the NYC Pigeon Droppings Task Force. “The world’s gone mad.”
Animal rights activists are also concerned, accusing IEI of exploiting New York’s pigeon population. “These birds have spent generations perfecting the art of pooping freely, without interference,” said Beatrice Wingworthy of Birds Not Products, an advocacy group. “Now they’re basically being treated like cash cows. Except, you know, with feathers.”
Despite the controversy, sales of PigeonPoo™ Healing Balm continue to skyrocket, with IEI announcing plans to expand into new markets. Rumors have even surfaced that celebrities are secretly endorsing the product. A blurry, grainy photo of actor Nicolas Cage holding what appears to be a jar of pigeon poop went viral last week, though Cage has neither confirmed nor denied his involvement.
In an exclusive interview, Dr. Droppins doubled down on his claims, saying that pigeon poop is just the beginning. “Next, we’ll be looking into the healing powers of seagull guano, and possibly even flamingo droppings. The future of medicine is falling from the skies.”
Until then, city dwellers are advised to watch their step.
